A Noob's Guide to the Gym

Okay. I get it. And don't get me wrong, I can appreciate ANYONE's New Year's Resolution to get in shape and take better care of him/herself. In fact I applaud you. Trust me, the past year has seen massive swings back in forth in my own exercise routine.

So, no, I have no inherent beef with anyone who takes it upon himself to go out and purchase a gym membership, but there are RULES, people.

1. If I'm on the treadmill, and there are plenty of treadmills available, please do not select the treadmill directly next to me. It's not that I have personal space issues; it's just that if I don't have to be splattered with your sweat, I'd rather not.

2. For that matter, if you are running on the treadmill, please do so at a reasonable speed or a speed that you can actually maintain. If you have to hold onto the machine, or if it sounds like an elephant is skipping across the treadmill, you are doing it wrong. Your sneakers shouldn't be scraping against the belt because you can't keep up the pace. It's distracting. Not to mention, I'll make fun of you as soon as one of us leaves. Slow it down, people.

3. I understand that I can re-start the machine by simply plugging the heart monitor back into the machine, but what you need to understand is that by the time I've made it to the gym, I'm at the lowest possible denominator of mental capacity. There are probably rocks with higher levels of brain activity. So when I get to the machine and press Quick Start, I expect the machine to start...quickly. And if it doesn't, I'm all

Seriously. I understand that all I have to do is plug the cord back in, but please understand that it would make things SO MUCH SIMPLER if you would just do it for me. 

4. WIPE DOWN THE MACHINES. The gym has these wonderful stations with paper towels and disinfectant. They put it there for a reason. No one wants to touch or be surrounded by your dirty human juice. There's no reason for you to be so dismissive/lazy that you can't haul yourself to the station and back to wipe down the machine you've just spent thirty oozing minutes on. 

5. When in the weight area, there's an order to things. If I'm in the middle of my reps, please don't HOVER by the machine like a dog that's waiting to piss. I get it. You want the machine next, but NO, it's not going to make me go any faster. Go do something else until I'm finished. 

6. Slamming the weights and/or grunting, shouting, cursing, or all of the above does not make you look hard. It makes you look like a total douche nozzle. Sometimes you might need to make a little noise to get out that last rep, but trust me, the ladies aren't impressed by your neolithic grunting. 

7. It's fine to fill up your protein shake bottle at the water fountain, but if there is a line of twenty very thirsty people behind you, please step aside. Your Muscle Milk can wait. 

8. Ladies, standing around the machinery in full make up, immaculately styled hair, and the tightest yoga pants known to man while flirting with the personal trainers isn't cute. The gym is for working out, not for finding someone to take you to Applebees on Friday night. That appletini and then banging it out in his mom's basement better be worth it.

9. If you can afford a gym membership, but you can't afford a pair of sweat pants, you need to seriously re-evaluate your priorities. Blue jeans are for Casual Fridays, not the gym. 

10. WHY ARE YOU RUNNING BAREFOOT?? There is a distinct possibility that whatever foot fungus that's hiding between your sweaty toes will somehow eat through my sneakers and infect me. Put on some damn shoes. 

Please, noobs. Get your act together and let's make the gym a pleasurable experience for everyone.